A Message from Blockbuster Employees Everywhere

As an employee at Blockbuster, I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I don’t watch over your account and all the movies you rent like a blessed guardian angel. I’m sorry that Blockbuster requires a credit card for you to open up an account because you can’t be counted on to return your rentals (they are rentals , you realize? collateral is needed for rentals). And I’m sorry that when you don’t return the rentals, the Blockbuster corporation charges that credit card. But let me clarify a few things. I am not the one who charges your account. I don’t take your movies out of the dropbox and hide them where they’ll never be checked in again. I don’t spend my free time thinking of all the ways I can ruin your life via your Blockbuster account. I have no power over what policies Blockbuster chooses to enforce, and it doesn’t matter what pitch you use to yell at me–I still won’t have any power when you’re done. I’m sorry that you return the movie boxes empty and then yell at me because we can’t find the movie, only to find it in your own dvd player (and return it without a hint of an apology). I’m sorry that we don’t always have the movies you want. But, unfortunately, no matter how disappointed you look and no matter how many times you ask me about a movie, I won’t be granted the power to fashion one out of sticks and Elmer’s glue in the back. People rent things from Blockbuster. There are a finite number of those things. Ergo, we will occasionally run out of those things. We don’t hoard them in the back and secretly laugh at your disappointment. I’d give you the movie for free if I could and still keep my job. But sadly, like so many other things, that is not Blockbuster’s policy. And, finally, I’m sorry that Blockbuster can’t always make you happy. I am. But at $7 dollars an hour, I’m sorry–I just don’t give a damn.

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