Howdy hey, everybody! How you doing? I’m alright, finishing up the school quarter. I saw the movie 300 over the weekend and, well . . . a finer testament to glorious Manliness I have yet to see.
The Scenario: Xerxes I and an army of roughly two million (though those people who call themselves experts disagree on the exact number) are marching into Greece from the north with the intent to either conquer or kill everyone. Oh joy! Who’s the Spartan with a leather speedo bulky enough to stop him? Why, the good King Leonidas of Sparta. Unfortunately, there’s some festival or another . . . something religious (stupid religion) . . . what was that, wikipedia? Oh, yeah—the Carneian festival. Anyway, the priests are like, “no it’s sacred—can’t have an army,” and Leonidas is all, “uh . . . remember the Persians?” and they’re all, “what do we care?” So then Leonidas takes his bad self (after making sweet, sweet love to his wife) and three hundred of his best, most man-elicious warriors (who all have sons to carry on their lines) to go kick some Persian ass.
Ok . . . exposition over? Ass kicking time!
I mean . . . what do you want from this movie? I know what I wanted. I wanted to see a lot of Persians die. And I got what I wanted.
Make no mistake: the movie is horribly historically inaccurate (that’s fun to say). It does not explore the sociological repercussions of basing a society on violence. And it seems to go out of its way at times to mock realism. But, god dammit, it was cool. If I wanted to watch a History Channel special on Thermopylae I would set the VCR and take a nap. I wanted to see people get their heads cut off! I predicted there would be seven decapitations. I was wrong. I forgot that most of the battle was fought with spears. Sadly, there were only four decapitations.
Top Ten Things I Learned from 300:
10. I need a crimson cape
9. Spartan men have muscles that I swear I don’t have
8. If you call yourself an Immortal, you better damn well mean it
7. Be very, very . . . very careful what you say to a Spartan king
6. Slow motion makes anything look cooler
5. There were no unattractive people in ancient Sparta
4. A man should never express his feelings unless it’s with the tip of his . . . spear
3. Spartan women could and would kick my ass
2. If you ally yourself with Xerxes, don’t hide his coins on your person
And finally . . .
1. As a general rule . . . stay out of Sparta
But if you’re in the mood for lots and lots of badassness, look no further.