Salute My Shorts

We’ve finally started writing our own material in my Humor & Satire class and our first assignment was to write a few shorts in the style of a news article, much like The Onion. The only constraint was that they could only be 100 words long. I ignored that for a couple of mine but stayed in the general area. Here they are:

Manifest Destino

Congress announced today plans for the formation of a buffer zone between the United States and Mexico. The proposed buffer zone will be a string of farms patchworked together by restaurant chains and residential lawns.

“The idea,” said congressman Todd Gaffer, “is to hire them there so we don’t have to hire them here.” Gaffer is the head of the congressional committee to oversee the formation of the buffer zone. He continued, “We have no doubt we’ll be greeted as employers.”

Congress plans to outsource the building of the buffer zone to a South Korean firm, as they have more experience with this sort of thing.

US to Adopt the Euro

Secretary of the Treasury Henry Merritt Paulson, Jr. announced on Monday that the United States would be adopting the euro as its official currency. “It’s a smart move,” says Alan Greenspan, former Chairman of the Board of Governors of the United States Federal Reserve and Magic Money Medicine Man. “It will help revitalize the economy and take steps towards balancing the budget.”

The currency change will also strengthen trade and tourism between the United States and Europe. Greenspan elaborated: “Having a currency that’s actually worth something will give Americans a real incentive to spend it.”

By using the euro, American economists also hope its value will eventually plummet, thereby strengthening the dollar.

This Week at a Glance

Lindsay Lohan arrested for another count of drunk driving, as well as possession of cocaine. Friends and family worry she may be hanging out with the wrong crowd. Their thoughts continued on page 8

Anna Nicole Smith is still dead. After eight months, how is America coping with this continued tragedy? See how on page 10

Three dead, twelve wounded in suicide bombing outside Baghdad.

Was Anna Nicole Smith’s death a warning for Linsday Lohan? Hollywood’s brightest speculate on page 12


Democratic Presidential Candidates Seek Elusive Nerd Vote

The seventy-third Democratic debate was held in Kyle Makowski’s mother’s basement. A select band of Heroes gathered there to hear what they had to say.

Things soured for Obama, who was run off by Andrew Kasing. Kasing’s lawyer had this to say about the regrettable misunderstanding: “My client stated it wasn’t him, but his character, Grubdor the Enforcer. Grubdor saw what appeared to be a Grand Wizard of Black Magic casting Level 9 Jungle Fever on a group of unsuspecting maidens. He did what any member of the Huktaere Tribe would do: he protected the honor of the maidens.”

John Edwards appealed to Elves, calling for equality under the law for all Elfkind. His support, however, was undercut by Denis Kucinich, who is a cousin to their chieftain.

The real winner of the debate, however, was Hilary Clinton, who showed her commitment to nerd causes in a way that appealed directly to their core values:


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