Judge Daedalus “Daddy” Mack

[Lights cue on a full courtroom. THEME SONG SINGER wails over the TITLE CARD]

TITLE CARD
Judge Daddy Mack

THEME SONG SINGER
Judge Daddy Mack! The Mack Daddy of the Justice Department!

[Camera sweeps over the full studio audience, who cheers wildly]

THEME SONG SINGER
When justice is down and the people frown
Get the toughest Mack Daddy in the whole damn town!
Judge Daddy Mack!
The Mack Daddy of the Justice Department!

[Super-imposed JUDGE DADDY MACK (JDM) walks onto TITLE CARD, face grim and ready for justice]

JDM
The Daddy presides.

[TITLE CARD disappears, camera moves in to BAILIFF]

BAILIFF
All rise, the honorable JUDGE DADDY MACK presiding.

[Enter JDM]

JDM
Let’s get down to justice! Today’s case: TED STEVENS v. SOME INCOMPETENT DOUCHEBAGS (SIDs). The charges: TED STEVENS has been charged with seven corruption felonies and one Daddy Smackdown for being an embodiment of all that is wrong with democracy. Would the defendant like to make any opening statements?

TED STEVENS

JDM
Fair ‘nough. DOUCHEBAGS, what’cha got?

SID #1
As you can see clearly from all this evidence that we have amassed, the defendant is in fact guilty of vast corruption and is, in fact, the embodiment of—if not all then—most of what is wrong with democracy.

JDM
Holy shit-balls! That is a lot of evidence. Mr. STEVENS, did you have any idea they would be able to amass this much evidence?

TED STEVENS

JDM
Well, this seems pretty clear cut. I find the defendant guil—oh, before I forget: You prosecutors did submit all this evidence properly to the defense, as is standard procedure in any trial?

SID #1
*laughs like a douchebag* Of course we did. I mean, what do you think we are? Incompetent d-d …

[turns to other SIDs]

We did right?

[SIDs frown. SID #1 swallows, turns to JDM]

SID #1
It appears we did not.

JDM

Hot damn—you incompetent. I’m dropping all charges.

[Smacks gavel]

THEME SONG SINGER
Daddy smack!

JDM
Justice is served. Mr. Stevens, do you feel any remorse for the things you have done? Will you turn over a new leaf, aid in the representation of all your fellow Americans, stop breaking the law, stop yelling at people … awwww, you know his answer.

Cut to: JUDGE DADDY MACK’S OFFICE

[JDM sits nonchalantly on the edge of his desk, looking at the camera fondly]

JDM
So what did we learn today, folks? Well, we learned that justice is not a dump trunk; it’s more like a series of tubes. We can’t just drive up to anyone and dump a whole mess o’ justice on ’em. *chuckles good-naturedly* Nope, not even the Daddy. You gots to bring that justice through the right tubes, and hope to hell those tubes lead up to that sumbitch who guilty. Anywho, hope you enjoyed the show. Now, Daddy’s gotta serve some lovin’ justice to his bitches. Good night.

THEME SONG SINGER
Judge Daddy Mack! The Mack Daddy of the Justice Department!

[GUITAR commences a blazing exit solo]

GUITAR
Bwaaaaaaaaaow biddledly woo meedley mraow dabble dee dee dee dee bellalalalalalalalala brweeearw wah waooow …

THEME SONG SINGER
When justice is down and the people frown
Get the toughest Mack Daddy in the whole damn town!
Judge Daddy Mack!
The Mack Daddy of the Justice Department!

GUITAR
… meedley meedley meedley meedley meedley meedley meedley meedley …

FADE TO BLACK

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