Spring has once again delivered a swift, straight-fisted punch to the face, leaving my eyes burning, my ears ringing, and my nose leaking inordinate amounts of mucus.
Goddamn I hate spring. Let me try to convey this in a sufficiently eidetic manner: I hate spring in its springy face, with its chirping birds, twitting about, hopping from tree to blooming tree, snatching at bees and other pollen-spreading bastards, trying to avoid all the sex-crazed animals busy shagging and shedding fur.
Dander! Goddamn dander!
It’s enough to turn me into a valetudinarian. And before you go telling me this is just iatrogenic nonsense, I ain’t even been to a doctor in I don’t know how long—so you just perpend that! Quash that nonsense, it does. And the phlegm—the goddamn phlegm! Nothing like waking up in the morning, pellucid goo dripping from your phlegmatic face. And I mean that in the “I have phlegm” sense … not the phlegmatic, unemotional sense. Stupid humors….
And I know what you’re saying: “Ooo, look at Chris and his delicate sinuses. He has to protect his muliebrity!”
Well, shivaree my shin bones! I may be muliebral but at least I ain’t a mugwump! I know where I stand.Not to be eristic or anything, but I feel I just need to spell it out in majuscule letters: I … HATE … SPRING!
Alright, look. Forgive my malapert manner. Join me, now, for a tipple. I don’t want there to be any afterclaps because of my springtime tirade. Only give me a moment and my frustrated cries will drift away until they are little more than suspired soughs on the wind. Sigh … it’s started warming up in ole Anyang, too. I was sweating today the second I stepped into the sun, adumbrating the desiccating heat of the coming summer, and its Gobi-sand-carrying wind. Now, I’m no doula … but that can’t be good … for a pregnant lady….
OK, you might have noticed that my vocabulary has broadened a bit. Well, I’ve signed up for Word of the Day emails from Dictionary.com (of which I am a bit of a habitué), it being pretty much the omnific word website in my mind. I have hopes that it will take me from plucky linguist to a veritable sesquipedalian. And, who knows, maybe after that I’ll achieve jnana! Ha ha ha….
Naturally, you learn the words better if you use them, and I’ve been a bit lax in that department. Thus, this post was a bit of playing catch-up. Now, don’t worry, don’t worry. I’m not matriculating into some … crazy … Scottish heraldry … club, with crazy … chevron patterns. I just thought it would be nice to add a little better verbiage to the ole Brain Dump. Does that make me a quisling?
Ah, well, it’s late. Perhaps I should retire. Soon I’ll be peacefully asleep, dreaming away like a sawyer on the proverbial log. I hope my new vocabulary has not caused you to vamoose. I truly do have the best of intentions.