Countdown to the Apocalypse: EATR

Now, I like technology. It preserves my food; it conditions my air; it flushes my shit when my intestines are done with it. But there is a lurking danger that comes with it. And I’m not talking about pollution or weapons or deforestation or postmodern angst.

I’m talking about one thing and one thing only: Robots.

Scientists, especially the Japanese, seem to have this obsession with them, and that’s all well and good. UNTIL THEY BRINGS US TO THE ROBOT APOCALYPSE!

Horseman the First: the Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot

EATR, as it is so diabolically referred to by its maniacal creators, is the first robot vehicle that will be able to “scavenge sticks, grass, leaves and other biomass to fuel itself,” according to a recent Scientific American article. It then places them in a combustion chamber and, voila, robot fuel. “The electricity created by this energy will feed into a multicell rechargeable battery pack that powers EATR’s systems, ideally making it a hybrid vehicle that can perform long-range, long-endurance missions without the need for manual or conventional refueling.” The scientists insist that EATR will be a strict vegetarian, so we don’t have anything to worry about . . . until it gives itself a little human flesh “upgrade” and initiates Phase One of the Robot Apocalypse!

C’mon, scientists! Are you trying to encourage them!


Countdown to the Apocalypse: Voting Machines

I knew it!

I knew this would happen!

Sigh … well, damn. It seems our alarm clock was just a glimpse of the coming revolution. If only there were more I could have done! I should have warned you sooner … I should have … I should have …

Well, I can only assume that most of you died in the initial assault and those remaining are busy fighting a Red Dawn-like resistance movement. Christina and I, being in China, survived at least this long. Though there is talk that the robots will be attacking from their outpost in Japan. Thus, the ones most likely reading this are the new robot overlords. And so let me be the first to say, “Welcome.” Heh, heh … I’ve … I’ve always liked robots … I … I say thank you to the ATM … and … and parking garage payment machines … please don’t make me a slave in the salt mines!!!

For any humans who may still be alive: .-.. — -. –. .-.. .. …- . – …. . .-. . …- — .-.. ..- – .. — -. ..–.

Ha HA! Bet you robots can’t understand that! Or was that aliens….


Countdown to the Apocalypse: Travel Alarm Clocks

Christina and I use a travel alarm clock to wake us up in the morning, and the alarm on said alarm clock dings and then tells us the ungodly hour at which we are waking along with the temperature. That’s all well and good….

But lately it’s been acting a little … funny. It started when the clock told us that it was “47 degrees” when it was really 74. It corrected itself about a minute later—by itself, I might add. 47-74, that’s an easy mistake, you might say.


Then it said that it was “103 degrees” when it was no where near that. And then I realized—


The clock is using hyperbole!

The robots are learning!

What next? Pleonasm? Aposiopesis? … Sarcasm?!

Soon the robots will make art, or no—become art critics! Their biting critiques of our movies, our music, our literature will shame us into oblivion. They’ll flood the market with their own mathematically perfect creations. Grid paintings! Mathematical metaphors!! Binary solos!!!

The first signs are here, people. We must arm ourselves. The revolution is coming!